16 Life Truths Only Bottle Blondes Will Understand
1. The first time you took the plunge and blondenized your hair, this was your face when you looked in the mirror.
You were SO NERVOUS TO SEE IT, but when you realized it was perfect, your life changed for good. Why did it take you so long to do this?!
2. You have never and will never care if it looks “unnatural.”
How could you when your hair is basically the halo of an angel now? That probably doesn’t look natural to normal humans either!
3. You have an entire salon’s worth of products in your bathroom.
Your significant other has taken to washing their hair with purple shampoo since there’s no room in your shower for anything non-blond-specific. It’ll probably be fine on their hair?
4. Maintaining your length has become a constant source of anxiety.
You’ve begrudgingly replaced your flat iron with an artillery of masks, protective sprays, and anti-breakage serums in the vain hope that your hair won’t break off more than it already has. You refuse to give up on the dream of an equine Britney-eqsue mane!!
5. But you’re still completely addicted to picking at your split ends.
Is there a version of that bad-tasting stuff you use to stop biting your nails for your head? Because you can’t stop messing with it at all. Maybe try hypnosis? Is that a real thing?
6. And your hairbrushes look like bales of hay if you don’t take good care of your delicate dye job.
Oh, did you look in the general direction of a swimming pool sometime this month? You’re gonna pay up big time in the form of enormous dried-out hair tumbleweeds after every time you brush for a while. Sexy!
7. When you bitch about the upkeep to a friend and they gently suggest that it might be easier to go back to your “real” color, you wonder if they even know you at all.
Don’t they understand that, as far as you’re concerned, this IS your real hair now? I swear, some people!
8. For a few days every six weeks or so, this is your signature look.
But you know that dark roots are sexy in their own way, so you embrace the skunk effect for a little while. If anyone asks, just call it “reverse ombré.”
9. And this is your attitude toward the world after you finally re-up your color.
A solid hour (or two, or three…) zapping your roots into shape can make you feel more or less invincible. Fresh dye has become a cure-all for every area of your life.
10. When your stylist brings up the idea of potentially going lighter, you’re all ears.
You won’t rest until your hair is more blindingly light than the actual sun.
11. And when they warn that the dye might hurt your scalp a little, you’re like, “GOOD. CAN’T WAIT.”
Call it blondness-induced masochism, but you actually like the way the chemicals feel now. You know that the sting just means your hair is on its way to TOTAL PERFECTION.
12. You have at least four red lipsticks in your purse at all times.
Crimson lips with bleached hair are like a cherry on top of a banana split. Delicious!
13. And there’s nothing so gorgeous as light hair with dark eyebrows.
The effect makes your eyes look HUGE! So don’t worry if they’re not the same shade — sometimes it’s good to be a little mismatched.
14. So take pride in all of your hair’s artificially flaxen glory!
Who cares if people have to wear sunglasses when they look at your head? You know you look marvelous, darling!
15. And try not to think about how much money you spend on your head per month alone…
Why would you want a substantially nicer apartment when you can be BLOND? For you, it’s not even a question.
16. Because you know it’s a little ridiculous, but more than worth it in the end: Blondes really do have more fun.
So get down with your towheaded self…because you know you look incredible, blondie.