5 Childhood Board Games That Were Deceptively Evil
1. Don’t Wake Daddy
The rules: Players try to sneak snacks from the refrigerator without “waking Daddy.” Land on a space with a noise (like a barking dog or TV), then you have to press Daddy’s alarm clock and hope he doesn’t wake up.
What you never considered before: Daddy seems to be aggressively obsessed with getting in his eight hours, because waking him is apparently the worst thing you can do. Seriously, DON’T. WAKE. DADDY. It will send you to therapy because you’ll become convinced your father hates you for disturbing his sacred slumber.
2. Hungry Hungry Hippos
The rules: Get your hungry hippo to “eat” more marbles than anyone else.
What you never considered before: Sure, the animal kingdom may be a dog-eat-dog kind of world, but why must these jovially hued animals work against each other? Furthermore, these hippos are not merely hungry. They are hungry, hungry, but has anyone ever asked why these hippos are so hungry? In this “frantic marble munching game,” hippos then fall into a pattern of binge eating. Yet food never fills their void, for they are forever Hungry Hungry Hippos.
3. Mr. Bucket
The rules: Balls fly out of Mr. Bucket’s mouth and players must scramble to collect their assigned color ball with a shovel. First person with all balls in the bucket wins.
What you never considered before: A bunch of evil grown-ups got together and were like, How can we trick our kids into thinking cleaning is amazing? And so they invented this game, which glorifies the act of pick-up. This is clearly the devil’s work.
The rules: You want to move your pawn around the board to be the first to make it home, but other players can slide you back.
What you never considered before: It’s entirely possible this game is responsible for a sarcasm epidemic. Because in this game of “sweet revenge,” no one actually said the word “sorry” with meaningful regret and apology. More like Oh, I’m soooOOOooooOOo sorry…that you’re a big fat doo-doo head.
5. Girl Talk
The rules: Spin the wheel and take on either a truth or dare in order to collect fortune cards. Everyone gets fortune cards, but the first girl to collect one from all four corners/categories wins.
What you never considered before: That this game predicted the world’s most depressing future for you. And that you never gave a second thought to the inevitability of your “giving birth to identical twins five days after your 23rd birthday.”
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