Joan Rivers: An Obetchuary
We lost a legend yesterday. You probably know her from Fashion Police or launching Guliana Rancic's excuse of a career, but Joan Rivers was so so much more than just a betch with a microphone.
Joan Rivers nee Molinsky – sounds like a $10 vodka brand – was born in Brooklyn (not the hipster version) in 1933. This betch may have started World War II by criticizing the German soldiers' uniforms. After graduating Phi Beta Kappa from Barnard College, she began her journey to become television's HBIC.
Joan realized early in life that she had a phenomenal resting betch voice that was perfect for talking shit and winning at everything. She appeared, hosted, or straight up starred in every major television show that your parents ever watched: see Candid Camera, The Ed Sullivan Show and The Tonight Show. More than that, girlfriend was a famous stand up comedian, a best selling author, and an award winning playwrite. She did everything that Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, and Amy Poheler have done, and she did it first. She's kind of like the friend who started drinking first: she took the risk and it rocked everyone's world. Joan then graduated into the twenty-first century when she fucking took over E!. She rocked every Red Carpet special by saying what everyone was already thinking: Sometimes these actresses look ugly as shit. Joan was on television for at least 3 hours a day up until her death and we all know your DVR was set to record Fashion Police.
Joan's first husband owned the 1950's version of Men's Warehouse. He was basic as shit and she had that marriage annulled after 6 months (4 months longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries). Her second husband committed suicide by a Valium overdose, which we'd need too if we were married to Joan. The couple had one daughter Melissa Rivers who tbh has always lived in her mother's plastic surgery defined shadow. Speaking of which, homegirl was half plastic. Like for real, she looked phenomenal considering she was basically the Bride of Frankenstein.
So cheers to the original JAB, who got paid a shit ton of money to talk shit about famous people and taught all of us betches to never apologize for being honest.